Pillars of Parenting: Anchoring Yourself & Family
Reflections on Parenting
The atmosphere of the world pushes and pulls, allowing for both meaningful exchanges and dangerous interactions. Indirect and direct messages are constantly being provided from various resources to a family unit. Supportive mental health areas provide growth for families like showing up for each other, family discussions, intentional activities and togetherness, community/club involvement, expressive arts, sports, or spiritual connection. Areas tearing down family’s mental health such as abuse, addiction, bullying, porn, and suicidality, often present as invisible forces on the onset. However, when family is unable to deal with the problem(s), seek proper support, and find strategies to stabilize, family members move into destructive trajectories and even generational trauma.
Demands from every direction are often vying for a caregiver’s/parent’s energy and time with career/job, personal responsibilities, endless commitments, and calendar family to-dos. There are pings coming from all over the place! With all the tug of war on families, “back to the basics” allows for grounding and structure. Part of the narrative starts with holding space for children and family. What lays the foundation as well as provides direction and protection to anchor your family?
Pillars/Values to Consider
*Emotional Safety
An invitation to family members to create emotional safety in the household means genuinely listening. Instead of ignoring emotional health or numbing out, when ready, family members encourage each other to share emotions. Even emotions labeled as “too much” are given permission, as long as boundaries are not violated. A feelings wheel or vocabulary to reference provides a starting place. Also, modeling regular emotional self-care as a caregiver/parent, goes a long way. What helps to manage your emotional health and well-being? Children and teens are looking to find their own way to cope and express themselves, especially as they process taboo emotions.
*Get curious
Curiosity is a stance of non-judgement and more about a posture of understanding, in order to invite compassion and open-ended conversation. ”I am noticing…Tell me more!” The idea is to work towards establishing a connection. Such conversation further allows a child/teen to see the caregiver/parent as someone willing to meet them where they are at, even if they are walking out the toughest moments of their lives. Small talks allow for more deeper dives because of the trust built. Also, curiosity teaches family members to notice more about themselves and others, which helps everyone practice leaning in with care and concern.
*Consequences
Another area to think through revolves around the idea of consequences in your family system. When possible, natural consequences are a strong teacher; however, when impossible, think about how your family plans to deal. What do consequences look like for a 4-year-old versus a 14-year-old? Contemplate how can you allow them to express emotion in healthy ways, but figure out when you need to step in, to keep them and other members secure and safe. Some areas of consideration include when/if your family plans to provide a child/teen with a verbal warning, what (mild/extreme) violations of family rules look like, and cool down periods for any or all family members before an implementation of a consequence.
*Focus on one change/rule at a time
Instead of taking on several changes at once, consider implementing one change or new rule at a time. Before shifting anything, talk with family members about new rules, systems, or transitions. Allow each member to receive an explanation and the why behind the new need and expectation. For a younger family member, several steps are often needed. The impact is naturally going to impact other family members more than others. As you lean into any change, what are some challenges and wins to consider?
*Manage Your Stress
In all the hustle of caregiving/parenting, many forget to provide themselves with needed oxygen. How often do you extend support to yourself? Because emotional boundaries and health are often challenged in family life, finding areas to manage stress levels helps tremendously. For some, a daily dose is required too! If you are unsure of how to start, think through some previous places of interest or link arms with a partner/friend to help brainstorm some ideas. What do you envision?
*Self-discipline
A culture of self-discipline is often caught from the caregiver/parent modeling such behaviors. In other words, the phrase “do what I say…not as I do” causes confusion. When you ask a teen to put their phone away for quality family time, expect such discipline of yourself too. Even if you need to work on establishing new habits, create the change needed. Model the behavior you are asking for, so everyone shows up.
*Strong Will-Strength’s approach
There is at least one child/teen in every family system which seems to break the mold! They are often strong leaders but challenge family rules. Channeled a certain way, such “strong will” will lead to unbelievable outcomes though. They are outliers! By approaching children/teens from the stance of their strengths such as their intellectual, interpersonal, or physical abilities, a caregiver/parent allows them to really shine! For such a group, the focus is more about their progress, rather than getting everything right all the time.
*Team Effort
Who are your teammates? Some have a spouse ready to support but need others to supplement from time to time. However, due to single parenting, separation, divorce, a deceased partner, traveling spouse, or other circumstances, many are limited. The struggle is real! Your team maybe another family member like a sister or uncle, grandparent, friend, neighbor, mentor, or church confidante. All are partners in helping your family! Also though, consider how you treat your team. What kind of relationship do you have with your team? Even if you have solidarity with your team, start thinking about expanding the scope, in order to meet the needs and expectations of your growing family. With each season, a different or new team member may need to be added, in order to thrive! Who has a seat at the table in your family?
If you or someone you know is seeking further care, reach out and connect with Know Your Worth Counseling and Wellness We are here and ready to come alongside of you and support your season of life!
Parenting Questions & Reflections
As you cultivate your own family environment, what negative family/parenting pattern stops with you?
What childhood experiences/shadows keep you from showing up for your family?
What practical steps do you need to take today, to help you draw closer to your family?
What pillars do you desire to grow or strengthen in your family?
Create an ideal family mission statement for you family to stand on. What does it say?
Resources on Parenting
Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Put Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity, Dr. Josh Straub, Christi Straub , et al. (Christian)
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, Dr. Becky Kennedy
Hold On to YOUR KIDS: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Gordan Neufeld, PH.D., and Gabor Mate MD
Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults, Daniel G. Amen, MD (Christian)
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D.
