The toxicity of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender
Lately, news outlets have reported sexual abuse allegations from a spiritual leader. Even if only a few posts came across your highway of information, the world is swirling with other instances of abuse and misuse of power. Navigation may feel paralyzing and heavy with grief for some, as abuse narratives often trigger others with trauma history or at minimum feel betraying due to broken trust.
Distant bystanders watching such fires erupt still feel the sting of sorrow and pain. There are no adequate words to express the crushing circumstances of any abuse! Whether coming out of religious communities, family situations, workplaces, institutions, and/or other areas, the message shows up as, “there are no safe spaces!” There is much work ahead to create safer, trusted environments. Part of the work is educating, creating awareness, and advocating for oneself and others.
In abuse situations, there is a phrase called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender), which helps shed light on what happens as well as how offenders attempt to avoid consequences and receive sympathy. The tactic maybe employed publicly or privately! DARVO, coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd, was originally created to explain cases of sexual abuse, when offenders placed blame back on the victim. However, the concept has been applied to other instances of abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, economic, etc.) DARVO shows up when the offender:
1.) Denies the abused happened. Phrases are used like, “I never did…” or “That’s a lie!”
2.) Next, the abuser Attacks the victim by discrediting their story and focusing on the victim’s lack of honesty, past actions, mental health instability, lack of intelligence, moral standards, or more. Dialogue that is thrown the victim’s way looks like, “you’re unstable!” or “you didn’t remember right!”
3.) The final step is when the perpetrator reverses the roles through Reverse Victim Offender. The blame is shifted onto the victim. Then, the abuser takes the stance there was harm done to them. However, the ploy is irrational and void of facts about the incident. The idea is an emotional ploy to thwart responsibility back onto the victim.
DARVO is toxic, and the impact leaves victims feeling isolated, gaslighted, shamed, and silenced. The abuse tactic is frightening and manipulative, leaving the victim feeling retraumatized from the experience. However, knowing what DARVO looks like helps individuals understand the importance of seeking further support from trusted sources and allies. There is a road to healing and recovery from abuse! If you or someone you know needs support walking out any aspect of abuse, take a look at the resources below. Also, to build your support system, reach out to Know Your Worth Counseling and Wellness. Let us help bridge the gap, to work towards creating a pathway of restoration!
Abuse Journal Questions
When has DARVO impacted my life or another person in my life?
Whether DARVO occurred recently or long ago, what needs to happen now, in order to connect with safer people and spaces?
In the middle of any kind of abuse and trauma, who are my allies and advocates?
How can I be an ally or advocate for someone?
What resources need to be reviewed and prioritized, in order to move towards healing?
Abuse Resources
Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook: Somatic Skills to Help You Feel Safe in Your Body, Create Boundaries, and Live with Resilience, Erika Shershun
Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims, Darby A. Strickland (Christian)
Othered: Finding Belonging with the God Who Pursues the Hurt, Harmed, and Marginalized, Jenai Auman (Christian)
What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, Stephanie Foo
